Category: Coaching

AN INCONVENIENT GRIEF

an inconvenient grief. www.alisonward.me

Numbness.

I feel mixed emotions:

sometimes deep longing.

It’s all ok.

Courage.

Deep pain, even anguish.

Relief.

‘We fight to live

And then we fight to die’

CS Lewis observed that grief feels so much like fear. I would agree, except to say it feels like raw fear without the anxiety that I have always attached to fear. I want to be left alone yet I am not brave enough to be alone. I want to rest yet I want to be active. I want to lie down and die, yet I must go on. Grief is so many different emotions rolling and emerging from the soup of the soul. It’s pain, fear, longing, joy, relief, guilt, anguish, courage, numbness all bubbling up at different times and then at the same time. And then when tears are over, it’s calmness and satisfaction and the Comforter is there, wrapping my soul in the arms of Jesus this side of heaven just as Steve is in the arms of Jesus on that side of heaven. Oh, we grieve with hope! Just like these words:

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.

1Thess 4: 13-18

On the 24th Sept 2020 real life or death experience happened in my life. My husband of 44 years died. On the same day, I received multiple emails into my inbox just like on every other day, but this time my to do list was really life or death, not like the daily tasks I usually feel are so important they can’t possibly wait till tomorrow. This time, it was all in perspective. This was life and death. A real moment, the second most important. The moment of my husband’s death, next to the day of his birth. Steve would often say to me, when I was worried and hassled by life’s little things, “is it life or death? Will someone die if you don’t get that done today?”Now, it was real, time to press pause on everything ‘normally normal’ and pay attention to what was the most important current event. A really important, significant day. A day that would change my life for the rest of it.The day of my husband’s death. Yes, death is the only way we will get out of this life, the only way it will end. He knew he would die a painful death from prostate cancer that had spread to the bones, yet he embraced it till the end, refusing medication that would dull his mind, still sharp and insightful and wanting to read theology. I knew he was being perfected when the day before he died, he groaned and cried out in agony while the home nurse turned him, and when she said “I’m so sorry”- what he said astounded me: “not at all” in the most polite tone of voice he could possibly muster at the time. This was a man who, like us all, was impatient at times, desirous of independence, wanting to be his own man. Yet, in his severe affliction, he was gracious enough to excuse those who caused him more pain.

Grief is so private and yet, it’s public, the object of one’s grief also grieved by others, also being able to be observed from the outside of one’s soul looking in, as CS Lewis so eloquently described in “A grief observed”. The emotions are so big, so brash they cannot be ignored. They scream at you, shout from the soul that you must obey, must stop and listen, must give place to this giant lurking around every corner catching up to you when you least expect it.

It’s vicious, this attack on my soul, this grabbing and pulling at my emotions until the dark is darker still. It’s unavoidable, this assault on my senses. I hear him, feel him in the bed with me and then I awake to full consciousness that it cannot be, it is habit, it is long years. He is with me, around me. I want him gone; as he is! Gone for good. I am here for the now, I need to live for right now. I am rooted and grounded in the love of God. No tomorrow can suffice for me, I am in the here and now, may as well stay here.

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Coaching for Transitions

Coaching or counselling. Which one do you need?

Coaching is becoming extremely popular as a way to succeed at life.

At times we are STUCK in a certain pattern or rhythm of life and are looking for ways to reach higher, go further.

I had a coaching client who wanted to change careers, yet he was not sure if he could succeed at this momentous task! Six months later, with some coaching sessions, he landed his new dream career. 

After a loss, and the grief that comes with it, comes a strange sense of change one can’t quite wade through. Coaching sessions are just the thing!

In any life transition: divorce, change after loss of a person close to you, retirement, women in midlife, etc, coaching provides a stable footing on a bridge to cross to the other side safely with a trained person by your side. 

What will YOU do? Hang around where you are or GROW, GROW, GROW! A little investment in you goes a long way to making big changes and forward motion. I highly recommend it having been through coaching myself.

Contact me for a complimentary 1 hour session. Let’s talk!

by Alison Ward




What Legacy do you Want to Leave?

Have you thought about the legacy you want to leave behind when you die? Are you living now the way you want to be remembered then?

Whose life will you have impacted in a way you really want to?

It’s not too late. It’s a new year, a new decade, time for new beginnings.

Elizabeth Elliot was a missionary, a wife and a mother who had to start again many times in her life. She outlived 3 husbands, raised a wonderful daughter on and off the mission field and became a speaker and author with a long, vital life. The last change she faced was the challenge of dementia, which she embraced with the grace of God.

I personally find her her life very challenging and inspiring. As Debbie Mc daniel puts it:

Many of us came to know of Elisabeth Elliot through her story and work with the Auca Indians. Even after her own husband and 4 other missionaries were tragically killed at their hands, in the midst of her own grief, she chose to stay, to share the greatest gift of all with a people who didn’t yet know – the truth of Jesus Christ.

Her deep wisdom came with the cost of journeying through great pain in this life, yet many of us have gleaned amazing nuggets of truth from her experiences. Evidence still that God uses all we walk through in this world for greater purposes and good, more than we could possibly ever imagined.

https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/inspiring-quotes/40-inspiring-quotes-from-elisabeth-elliot.html

The question is: Why would we want to leave a legacy? Why would we not want to live life for ourselves only?

I think the answer lies in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Paul, the Apostle shows us the why:

so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. – Ephesians 2:7-10 NIV

We give our lives away. We live for the glory of Christ and that causes us to leave a legacy of grace- a sweet aroma to God.

Join me in desiring, praying and living out a life that creates a legacy, a life worthy of Christ, a life that boasts in Him and not in me.

Together in the journey of growth

Alison

How do we forgive when we don’t want to?

Do you find it difficult to forgive? You are not alone, most of us do.

woman, rock, water-1082056_1920
Alisonward.me

It’s easy to forgive the person who steps on your toe in the elevator.  What about the person who shaped your life by their abuse when you were a child. What of the husband who cheated on you, thus ruining your dreams of a happy marriage?

One balmy summer evening recently hubby and I were walking in our neighborhood with the dogs. Rather the dogs were walking us, I caught the heady scent of pine from the huge trees down our street.

The fragrance released by the warm temperature hung thickly in the air. As we passed underneath the trees I breathed in deeply, my senses alive with enjoyment from this delightful aroma.

I thought of how the heat in our lives brings out the fragrance that is within. Is it a wonderful scent or the stench of years of bitterness resulting from unforgiveness?

The pleasant fragrance from our lives is that of good works, like forgiveness.

Forgiveness seems to be so hard for us, and yet it is the requirement for God forgiving us.

Forgiveness is a grace that sets us free.

 In a research survey, 80% of people interviewed said they had learned from their parents how and when it is appropriate to forgive. Natalie responded in one of these interviews that her mom never apologised or asked for forgiveness and she was the same way.

Muner, Maisy; My Research Paper- Forgiveness. (http://forgivenn.weebly.com/my-research-paper.html)

 We are obligated to learn the grace of forgiveness for the sake of our children and grandchildren, as well as for our own salvation.

How Can we Forgive?

 C.S. Lewis said: “Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night ‘forgive our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us.’ We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God’s mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says.”

S. Lewis,The Weight of Glory(New York: Harper Collins, 2001; Originally published 1949), 181-183.

God wants to save us from ourselves, from the weight that unforgiveness adds to our souls.

Here are 8 signs that show we need to forgive:

  • When we can’t think about the person without strong negative emotion
  • When we lie awake at night thinking of revenge or self-defense
  • When we rehearse the incidents relating to this person over in our head
  • When we know the feelings are so deep down we stop ourselves from going there
  • When we treat others badly
  • When we won’t get close to anyone and we won’t let them close to us
  • When we have more negative emotions in a day than positive
  • When we are depressed about the past

The secret to freedom is to forgive.

It is the grace of God, working in our life that empowers us to truly forgive.

We may also need a friend, a counselor, or a pastor to help us see perspective and to pray with us as we let go.

How Do We Forgive?

  1. Recall the goodness of God and how He has forgiven us
  2. Pray a prayer: “Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive (and insert the person/s name here) ___________ who has trespassed against me (Matt 6:12).
  3. Write a letter to the person who has offended you pouring out all your emotions and keep writing till the emotion is spent. Then write across the letter, “DEBT PAID IN FULL”, and tear it up
  4. In your thoughts, refuse to dwell on the person’s deed towards you, and keep bringing your thoughts back to these 3 previous actions you have taken
  5. Finally, refuse to speak badly of the person, to gossip or to say caustic remarks about them.

All these points will aid in pressing the reset button in your heart towards God and towards your hurt.

You may have heard of the story of the little girl examining at her grandmother’s quilt she is stitching. She asks why the threads are all hanging loose, making the quilt look ugly and unfinished.

Granny turns the quilt over, to show her the finished side and tenderly replies that the little girl is looking at the quilt from the wrong side, as the other side is quite beautiful!

God is looking at the finished side of the quilt of our lives, already seeing the beauty of a life lived fully by the finished work of the cross applied to our lives as Christians, and forgiving others as we are forgiven is a massive part of that!

Question: What else has helped you to forgive?