God wants us to be compassionate towards people. He wants us to help those who are hurting.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph 4:32).
Have you ever tried to share a hurt with someone only to have it minimized by their dispassionate, flippant, thoughtless reply?
It doesn’t feel good, does it? So, don’t do it to others.
However, we do not have to be strong in a mercy gift to show compassion for someone. Just think how you would want to be treated if the situation were reversed, and act accordingly.
This is the golden rule:
So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you (Matt 7:12a, NIV).
We can all learn compassion.
Having been a pastor for many years, I have noticed that church people struggle with showing compassion. It does not come naturally to all.
In times of difficulty, we all need compassion, even when we are to blame for our situation or have made a mistake costing us dearly.
How difficult it seems to be for people to show compassion to others without including their own suffering. Someone shares a hurt with you and you are already off telling them how you suffered before their sentence is even finished.
No, that is not compassion!
To listen patiently is compassion.
To feel deeply for another person is compassion.
To express this deep feeling as empathy means you would say something like:
“I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you”.
“I can’t imagine how this feels, and I am hearing you”.
My definition of compassion would be: to truly see someone in their suffering.
How do we comfort others?
How do we show compassion or mercy to those who are hurting?
Here are 10 ways to express comfort:
Be present
Do not think you have to know what to say
Do not use trite phrases
Put yourself in their place
Show your heart
Say caring words
Sometimes say nothing at all
Keep showing up
Think of practical, kind things to do
Do not ignore the person or the situation
When my daughter was experiencing infertility and mourning over lost pregnancies, she often commented on the crazy things people said to her.
Be aware of unthinking, uncaring and judgmental statements.
Weigh your words well.
You can even practice on a friend or a spouse before you go to make that compassionate visit to a cancer sufferer. Rehearse what you can say that will be profitable and caring.
People who are in need of comfort do not want to hear your ‘good advice’
or empty words of platitudes such as ‘God only takes the good ones’
or ‘you must be very special for God to allow you to suffer’, etc.
Face it; you really don’t know what the hurting person is experiencing inside.
You may even have been through the same kind of suffering, such as losing a loved one, but you don’t know how that person is feeling inside.
You only know how you felt inside at the time.
For you to show compassion and for it to be felt and experienced by the other party, you have to be fully present in the conversation.
Be really there, focused in body and mind on what they are saying.
This is the greatest gift you can give another human being. Your attention, your time, your focus on that person and their suffering brings relief to their aloneness.
It expands my world to know someone has heard me. I am not alone. You may not be able to relieve my suffering, but I am not alone.
How have you felt compassion shown or not shown to you when you have been in need and how has it made you feel?
Workaholism: is it a life out of balance or a prerequisite of success in modern society?
A workaholic is a person who works compulsively. While the term generally implies that the person enjoys their work, it can also imply that they simply feel compelled to do it.
I find it difficult to switch off to work, any kind of work. Just one more task, one more project, one more thing…
How about you?
Workaholism seems to be a trend on the increase among women today. And by the way, you do not have to be out at work to be a workaholic. Women in the home can hide behind work too.
Barbara Killinger, PhD says: “I defined aworkaholicas a work-obsessed individual who gradually becomes emotionally crippled and addicted to power and control in a compulsive drive to gain approval and public recognition of success. These driven men and women live a Gerbil-wheel, adrenalin-pumping existence rushing from plan A to B, narrowly-fixated on some ambitious goal or accomplishment. Eventually, nothing or no one else really matters.”
It is a fact that workaholics are not more productive than non-workaholics, but they do burn out faster!
Loren Stein, M.A. says, “Here’s a rule of thumb: Can you enjoy life and feel energetic and purposeful when you’re not at work? If the answer is no, you may be in the danger zone. Since workaholics get high from the fix of deadlines, long hours, and single-minded focus on work, other parts of their lives tend to fall by the wayside.”
Perfectionism in the workplace or business is a need for control.
It is also a cover up.
Cover make up works for a while to cover blemishes and scars, but the advertising is hollow. When you remove it you see the imperfection highlighted all the more by the harsh light of reality.
Many women in the workplace are finding themselves prone to workaholism to prove themselves in a competitive marketplace or to be seen to be ‘good enough’ to break through the glass ceiling.
Ask yourself: What basic needs am I covering up with my workaholism and desire for perfection?
Workaholism will affect, and may even destroy your health, your family and your life!
The point is, we are called to many vocations (callings), the calling to family, the calling to workplace or business, the calling to church, the calling to community, etc.
To raise one calling above another and pour all one’s affections, attention and energies into only one calling is sinful. It is the sin of omission, which neglects the other callings God has given you in favor of the one that meets your needs or covers up your deep longings.
Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter. If you say, “Behold, we did not know this,” does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who keeps watch over your soul know it, and will he not repay man according to his work? (Prov 24:11-12, ESV).
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.(James 4:17, ESV).
According to these scriptures, if we know to do something good and do not do it, it is still sin.
I am sure you have heard the old saying that no one on their deathbed ever wished they had spent more time at the office.
They always wish that they spent more time building family relationships.
Our capitalistic society and workplace is a black hole! It will suck you in if you allow it. It may even be the Burmuda triangle, just waiting to pull you in and not let go. We are greedy for more, and so the workplace is greedy for more of your time, your effort and expenditure.
God’s mission for us is to fulfil all of our callings, without feeling the pull of one over the other.
The emotional cover up versus the emotional exposure of relationship building that is needed in the home may be the reason why workaholics will spend their time willingly at the office at the expense of family time.
It is easy to hide one’s true self and mask one’s emotions under a pile of work!
Family will let you know they are unhappy with your workaholism through subtle whispers or perhaps loud shouts of discontent.
Do not lose your family due to this ungodly practice!
Listen out for the telltale signs in conversation with others close to you. At first the little signs will be there, but once they stop talking, you are in deeper trouble, leading to relationship breakdown:
Behavioral problems with your kids-acting out, etc
Inability to connect at an intimate level with your spouse
Your spouse has stopped talking to you
Breakdown of meaningful conversations with those close to you
A constant nagging inside that this is not all there is
A lack of desire to go home, as things there are ‘not good’
What is the difference between a hard worker and a work addict? The difference lies in the feeling of fulfillment. A hard worker will relish work and feel good about achieving goals and projects. A workaholic will do the work, but resent others who do not work as hard or as many hours. They feel that no one else works as hard as they do, and have an air of superiority that no one else can match up.
And therein lies the biggest problem.
No one can match up to this perfectionism in the form of workaholism!
Thus over time, the workaholic becomes isolated inside and outside. They feel a sense of alienation from the rest of the world. They isolate themselves from others even in the workplace, and are not the best people to have on your team.
Anger and fear are two really strong operative emotions in the life of the workaholic.
Fear in the workaholic of work being taken away, and anger in the family at the lack or loss of time and affection and attentiveness towards the family.
Researchers came up with the Bergen Work Addiction Scale (BWAS) taken from tests for addictions. ‘If you have to admit that at least four of these statements sounds like you “often” or “always,” the researchers suggest you might want to stop laughing about your overwork and consider intervention.
You think of how you can free up more time to work.
You spend much more time working than initially intended.
You work in order to reduce feelings of guilt, anxiety, helplessness, or depression.
You have been told by others to cut down on work but you don’t listen.
You become stressed if you are prohibited from working.
You de-prioritize hobbies, leisure activities, or exercise because of your work.
You work so much that it has negatively affected your health.’
The Results in Health Damage and Loss of Family Closeness
“A workaholic will die faster than an alcoholic any day,” says Diane Fassel, PhD, an organizational consultant in Boulder, Colorado, and author of Working Ourselves to Death.
Burnout, depression and serious health breakdowns are the price to pay for working ourselves ‘to death’.
What Should Family Members do?
Respectfully and non confrontationally approach your workaholic loved one. Tell them how what they are doing affects you. Use “I” not “you” language, and let them know how much you love them and want them to be close to you; how you understand they may find it difficult not to work all the time, but that you as a family need them too. They may not respond with favorable changes, but they have at least understood this to be behavior that needs attention.
What Should the Workaholic do?
You must confront this addiction head on. You are going to need to ask for help from someone else to see your life as you can’t see it, as work addiction and work dependency is a blind spot. See a counselor, pastor, therapist or coach, but deal with it you must, before it destroys your health, family and every other calling in your life.
Many people have said they needed to admit they are addicted to work, and seek help from an outside source to gain clarity on the way forward, as habits are difficult to change and default is close to the reset button.
I would love to hear your thoughts on today’s blog on workaholism.
Do you think workaholism is becoming a bigger problem amongst women leaders today? Why or why not?
Leave a comment on the blog or hit ‘reply’ to connect with me.
Through a book, or a speaker when you were searching for an answer? At a time we are seeking change in our personal or professional lives coaching is a powerful tool to aid us in reaching our goal.
Coaching is a way of working with a leader that leaves her more competent and fulfilled, so she can contribute more to her calling.
Adults learn from solving their own problems, and applying this learning to their lives, which is why coaching with a person who desires growth is effective.
Leaders want growth, but they struggle with how to achieve it amidst the hurly burly of normal, busy life.
Christian leaders want to do God’s will in their lives and so fulfill their calling as Peter entreats: “therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall” (2 Peter 1:10 ESV).
A Christian coach can help a client to reach goals and keep growing with biblical understanding.
Transformation (The Purpose of Coaching)
Transformation often takes place through significant events that happen in our lives. Christian coaching uses these events, which may be anything from discomfort to pure frustration in the workplace or our relationships.
To face the need for change the client must have freed up energy, and must pay attention to habits and practices needing transformation.
Mary Beth O’Neill says, “Coaches are colleagues to leaders at exactly those times when they may flinch-or fight back, or dig in, or any number of responses.”
Coaches bring their unique relationship to the leader as a tool of growth.
The client is the subject and the object of the coaching conversation.
The coach brings skills including the courage to enter into powerful conversations. The coach endures the discomfort of the anxiety the client may feel at the topic in hand, while at the same time empathizing with the client, staying connected to her for the purpose of hearing her fully.
Coaches enable clients to move forward in their performance as a result of the transformation of their hearts.
A new heart generates a new behavior.
As the scriptures say, “the good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good ” (Luke 6:45 ESV).
The power of coaching lies in the heart posture of the Christian coach that is genuinely for the client.
Coaches should also ensure they have the necessary skills to help the client bring about new learning, reflection, realization and insight. Therein lies the power of coaching.
Seeing Gold Mines (The Possibilities in Coaching)
When we do not know what to make of circumstances beyond our control… “many of us are sitting on personal gold mines that a coach can enable us to reclaim for the fulfillment of our calling and destiny”(Joseph Umidi).
Transformation takes place through adversity. The boss we are clashing with, the person we cannot get through to, the colleague who brings out the worst in us- these are relationships that can serve to open our eyes to better ways of relating.
A Christian coach will know how this scripture applies:
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:6-7 ESV).
The skilled coach, using listening skills, can create moments of connection for the client. The coach uses powerful questions to create conversations where epiphanies may occur.
Coaches ask questions such as:
If you had to state a purpose for your life, what would that be?
What options do you have for changing things?
What bothers you?
And what else? Tell me more.
This causes reflection the client might not normally pause to do, and may lead to the awakening of a hunger or a dream long forgotten and then the epiphany moment.
Transformation is something the client must do.
The coach does not rescue the client by taking on the client’s burden; rather the coach strengthens the leadership of the client by encouraging the leader to develop new skills and behaviors.
The Apostle Paul said: “But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load” (Gal 6:4-5 ESV).
Christian coaching follows the biblical pattern of leadership of each one taking full responsibility for his life and leadership.
As a coach can help you get to a goal quicker, so a coach can also draw out of you what is in your heart.
There is great benefit in Christian leaders receiving coaching for continued personal transformation.
Join the conversation on the power of coaching by sharing this with your friends and leaving a comment on the blog.
My daughter returned from a trip to a country store with a loaf of artisanal Italian bread baked with thyme and sundried tomatoes. Spread thickly with yellow farm butter it was a feast all on its own.
A well-known coach calls questions the bread and butter tools of a coach, so a coach asking questions is like baking artisanal bread and spreading it thick with farm butter to present to the client in an appetizing manner.
Coaching Christian Women
Stressed, overcommitted, over responsible, and out of control of their time and resources, women in the church are in great need of discipleship coaching.
I see these women regularly trying to balance the finances, balance their lifestyle, balance their work-life, balance their home and family and still have some ‘me’ time all with some discipleship or spiritual transformation thrown in there somewhere too.
A woman benefits from coaching for spiritual transformation, and if she will take the time to enter this accountability relationship, she will discover growth.
I only have to look at Proverbs 31 to see a woman who has balanced her time, her strength and her abilities and is successfully growing from the inside out. King Lemuel says of her, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Prov 31:30, ESV).
In coaching women in the church we need to ask powerful questions, questions that provoke enquiry, make them think deeply about their lives, their motives, their desires, their future, and their spirituality.
Questions in the Scriptures
What is the most powerful question you have ever been asked?
Did it make you stop in your tracks and think more deeply?
What if you had never been asked that question?
God asks deep, penetrating questions because he wants us to think. God’s first question in the Bible to Adam, is, “Where are you?” (Gen 3:9, ESV), which made it impossible for Adam to ignore his sin or continue to hide it.
He had to expose his condition and thus make the move to restoration of relationship with God.
Job begs God for answers and God asks him questions, in fact, the longest list of questions in the Bible is in Job 38 and 39, provoking enquiry about what Job’s belief system is and bringing Job back to the responsibility for his own life.
Wise Coaches
As coaches we believe our clients have the answers to their own lives. These answers may be buried so deep inside; it takes more than a spade to dig down through the layers of soil to find the treasure.
Powerful questions can be like drilling for oil.
As you go down, you will eventually hit the precious stuff!
“You can tell a man is clever by his answers. You can tell a man is wise by his questions” (Naguib Mahfouz).
Wisdom for a coach is refraining from advice giving and moving to powerful, probing questions that provoke enquiry on the part of the client and curiosity on the part of the coach.
I spoke about artisanal bread, because this is baked on a small scale and needs an artisan, a craftsperson to lovingly hand form and bake each loaf. Just so, there is an art to forming questions that make people think, make them stop in their tracks and think deeply.
It’s been a journey to get to this place. It’s been a good journey, but a distance to travel nonetheless. This is a place to write my heart out, to share with you and to serve you.
www.alisonward.me
I find myself writing blogging notes on my iphone, my ipad, pieces of paper, documents on my laptop, and generally overflowing everywhere. I sometimes even sit in my dressing room at night (when I am supposed to be sleeping, and so as not to wake the man of my dreams), and think and write.
So I write to reflect, to learn, to grow, to live, to lead and to share that journey with you. I blog about leadership, coaching and women’s issues.
A Small Part of My Journey
Cancer has been, and continues to be the uninvited stranger in our home for nearly eight years now.
My husband was diagnosed with Stage 2 prostate cancer in the same week my father died and my daughter miscarried twins, conceived through in vitro fertilization.
There were times I wanted to cry out, to be left alone, to wallow in self-pity. I struggled with issues of faith and God’s sovereignty.
I have asked, what was the purpose in all of this?
Leaders Lead
In this time period, my husband and I were studying leadership from a biblical perspective and this is what I came to see:
That leaders grow exponentially through times of trouble and suffering
That leaders are in God’s crucible often, being refined and purified
That leaders continue to lead when they are being pressured
That leaders search out biblical answers to difficult questions
That leaders continue in the grace of God no matter what the season
That leaders glorify God in the whole of life
That God’s ultimate purpose for a leader is her own salvation
Since that time period in my life I have completed a Masters degree in leadership and coaching and continue to pursue hard after God and his will in my life.
Find your Voice
I also want to share with you that for many years did not consider myself a leader in my own right, even though:
I was raising children (leading their hearts and choices every day)
I was leading ministries in the local church (as the pastor’s wife)
I was leading the women’s ministry in the church
I was learning and growing in my leadership style
I was adding value to all I did through who I was
I had to come to the place of taking charge of my personal leadership development, and stop making excuses for who I am.
So while my journey is about me, it’s also about you (see 2 Cor 1:3-5). I am passionate about seeing others develop in the Lord Jesus Christ into their gifts, and reach more fully into their potential in all the phases of their lives.
What is your voice in the world, and how do you want to use it?
