Category: Relational

an inconvenient grief. www.alisonward.me

Numbness.

I feel mixed emotions:

sometimes deep longing.

It’s all ok.

Courage.

Deep pain, even anguish.

Relief.

‘We fight to live

And then we fight to die’

CS Lewis observed that grief feels so much like fear. I would agree, except to say it feels like raw fear without the anxiety that I have always attached to fear. I want to be left alone yet I am not brave enough to be alone. I want to rest yet I want to be active. I want to lie down and die, yet I must go on. Grief is so many different emotions rolling and emerging from the soup of the soul. It’s pain, fear, longing, joy, relief, guilt, anguish, courage, numbness all bubbling up at different times and then at the same time. And then when tears are over, it’s calmness and satisfaction and the Comforter is there, wrapping my soul in the arms of Jesus this side of heaven just as Steve is in the arms of Jesus on that side of heaven. Oh, we grieve with hope! Just like these words:

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.

1Thess 4: 13-18

On the 24th Sept 2020 real life or death experience happened in my life. My husband of 44 years died. On the same day, I received multiple emails into my inbox just like on every other day, but this time my to do list was really life or death, not like the daily tasks I usually feel are so important they can’t possibly wait till tomorrow. This time, it was all in perspective. This was life and death. A real moment, the second most important. The moment of my husband’s death, next to the day of his birth. Steve would often say to me, when I was worried and hassled by life’s little things, “is it life or death? Will someone die if you don’t get that done today?”Now, it was real, time to press pause on everything ‘normally normal’ and pay attention to what was the most important current event. A really important, significant day. A day that would change my life for the rest of it.The day of my husband’s death. Yes, death is the only way we will get out of this life, the only way it will end. He knew he would die a painful death from prostate cancer that had spread to the bones, yet he embraced it till the end, refusing medication that would dull his mind, still sharp and insightful and wanting to read theology. I knew he was being perfected when the day before he died, he groaned and cried out in agony while the home nurse turned him, and when she said “I’m so sorry”- what he said astounded me: “not at all” in the most polite tone of voice he could possibly muster at the time. This was a man who, like us all, was impatient at times, desirous of independence, wanting to be his own man. Yet, in his severe affliction, he was gracious enough to excuse those who caused him more pain.

Grief is so private and yet, it’s public, the object of one’s grief also grieved by others, also being able to be observed from the outside of one’s soul looking in, as CS Lewis so eloquently described in “A grief observed”. The emotions are so big, so brash they cannot be ignored. They scream at you, shout from the soul that you must obey, must stop and listen, must give place to this giant lurking around every corner catching up to you when you least expect it.

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At last! I have got my blog up and running.

It’s been a journey to get to this place. It’s been a good journey, but a distance to travel nonetheless. This is a place to write my heart out, to share with you and to serve you.

I find myself writing blogging notes on my iphone, my ipad, pieces of paper, documents on my laptop, and generally overflowing everywhere. I sometimes even sit in my dressing room at night (when I am supposed to be sleeping, and so as not to wake the man of my dreams), and think and write.

So I write to reflect, to learn, to grow, to live, to lead and to share that journey with you. I blog about leadership, coaching and women’s issues.

A Small Part of My Journey

Cancer has been, and continues to be the uninvited stranger in our home for nearly eight years now.

My husband was diagnosed with Stage 2 prostate cancer in the same week my father died and my daughter miscarried twins, conceived through in vitro fertilization.

There were times I wanted to cry out, to be left alone, to wallow in self-pity. I struggled with issues of faith and God’s sovereignty.

I have asked, what was the purpose in all of this?

Leaders Lead

In this time period, my husband and I were studying leadership from a biblical perspective and this is what I came to see:

• That leaders grow exponentially through times of trouble and suffering
• That leaders are in God’s crucible often, being refined and purified
• That leaders continue to lead when they are being pressured
• That leaders search out biblical answers to difficult questions
• That leaders continue in the grace of God no matter what the season
• That leaders glorify God in the whole of life
• That God’s ultimate purpose for a leader is her own salvation

Since that time period in my life I have completed a Masters degree in leadership and coaching and continue to pursue hard after God and his will in my life.

Find your Voice

I also want to share with you that for many years did not consider myself a leader in my own right, even though:

• I was raising children (leading their hearts and choices every day)
• I was leading ministries in the local church (as the pastor’s wife)
• I was leading the women’s ministry in the church
• I was learning and growing in my leadership style
• I was adding value to all I did through who I was

I had to come to the place of taking charge of my personal leadership development, and stop making excuses for who I am.

So while my journey is about me, it’s also about you (see 2 Cor 1:3-5). I am passionate about seeing others develop in the Lord Jesus Christ into their gifts, and reach more fully into their potential in all the phases of their lives.

What is your voice in the world, and how do you want to use it?

Leave a comment and let’s talk.