Author: Admin

AN INCONVENIENT GRIEF

an inconvenient grief. www.alisonward.me

Numbness.

I feel mixed emotions:

sometimes deep longing.

It’s all ok.

Courage.

Deep pain, even anguish.

Relief.

‘We fight to live

And then we fight to die’

CS Lewis observed that grief feels so much like fear. I would agree, except to say it feels like raw fear without the anxiety that I have always attached to fear. I want to be left alone yet I am not brave enough to be alone. I want to rest yet I want to be active. I want to lie down and die, yet I must go on. Grief is so many different emotions rolling and emerging from the soup of the soul. It’s pain, fear, longing, joy, relief, guilt, anguish, courage, numbness all bubbling up at different times and then at the same time. And then when tears are over, it’s calmness and satisfaction and the Comforter is there, wrapping my soul in the arms of Jesus this side of heaven just as Steve is in the arms of Jesus on that side of heaven. Oh, we grieve with hope! Just like these words:

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.

1Thess 4: 13-18

On the 24th Sept 2020 real life or death experience happened in my life. My husband of 44 years died. On the same day, I received multiple emails into my inbox just like on every other day, but this time my to do list was really life or death, not like the daily tasks I usually feel are so important they can’t possibly wait till tomorrow. This time, it was all in perspective. This was life and death. A real moment, the second most important. The moment of my husband’s death, next to the day of his birth. Steve would often say to me, when I was worried and hassled by life’s little things, “is it life or death? Will someone die if you don’t get that done today?”Now, it was real, time to press pause on everything ‘normally normal’ and pay attention to what was the most important current event. A really important, significant day. A day that would change my life for the rest of it.The day of my husband’s death. Yes, death is the only way we will get out of this life, the only way it will end. He knew he would die a painful death from prostate cancer that had spread to the bones, yet he embraced it till the end, refusing medication that would dull his mind, still sharp and insightful and wanting to read theology. I knew he was being perfected when the day before he died, he groaned and cried out in agony while the home nurse turned him, and when she said “I’m so sorry”- what he said astounded me: “not at all” in the most polite tone of voice he could possibly muster at the time. This was a man who, like us all, was impatient at times, desirous of independence, wanting to be his own man. Yet, in his severe affliction, he was gracious enough to excuse those who caused him more pain.

Grief is so private and yet, it’s public, the object of one’s grief also grieved by others, also being able to be observed from the outside of one’s soul looking in, as CS Lewis so eloquently described in “A grief observed”. The emotions are so big, so brash they cannot be ignored. They scream at you, shout from the soul that you must obey, must stop and listen, must give place to this giant lurking around every corner catching up to you when you least expect it.

It’s vicious, this attack on my soul, this grabbing and pulling at my emotions until the dark is darker still. It’s unavoidable, this assault on my senses. I hear him, feel him in the bed with me and then I awake to full consciousness that it cannot be, it is habit, it is long years. He is with me, around me. I want him gone; as he is! Gone for good. I am here for the now, I need to live for right now. I am rooted and grounded in the love of God. No tomorrow can suffice for me, I am in the here and now, may as well stay here.

12126 CommentsLikeCommentShare

Coaching for Transitions

Coaching or counselling. Which one do you need?

Coaching is becoming extremely popular as a way to succeed at life.

At times we are STUCK in a certain pattern or rhythm of life and are looking for ways to reach higher, go further.

I had a coaching client who wanted to change careers, yet he was not sure if he could succeed at this momentous task! Six months later, with some coaching sessions, he landed his new dream career. 

After a loss, and the grief that comes with it, comes a strange sense of change one can’t quite wade through. Coaching sessions are just the thing!

In any life transition: divorce, change after loss of a person close to you, retirement, women in midlife, etc, coaching provides a stable footing on a bridge to cross to the other side safely with a trained person by your side. 

What will YOU do? Hang around where you are or GROW, GROW, GROW! A little investment in you goes a long way to making big changes and forward motion. I highly recommend it having been through coaching myself.

Contact me for a complimentary 1 hour session. Let’s talk!

by Alison Ward




What Does a Leader Look Like?

by Alison Ward

Leader
What Does a Leader Look Like?

Women often tell me they are not leaders. Yet, they influence their children every day, They help them to make decisions, they assist children to change their minds when they say, “I can’t do this”, and in a hundred small ways they are persuading and guiding their children every day. 

Yet, these same women believe they are not leaders.

What is leadership? It is influence, it’s the power of persuasion; it’s the art of inspiring a group to function towards achieving a common goal. 

Knowing how children want to go their own way, this is a delicate art indeed. 

No home, no organisation, no church can run leaderless for very long.

Someone said to me a little while ago that we don’t need a leader if everyone knows their job in the organisation. I disagreed. My answer was that every ship needs a captain. 

Hubby took me on a Mediterranean cruise a few years ago, it was a life long dream to see parts of Europe. I must declare, I was happy there was a captain of the large, 15 story passenger liner. 

The captain had to make sure that ship entered and left each port safely. He was responsible for every one of the 2500 people on board. He had to set the course and dynamically be aware of obstacles to avoid collisions. 

In fact, not long after our cruise, another passenger liner scared every person on board by ripping the side of the ship along the dock of one of those old European sea ports. The captain had failed to steer the ship safely into port, causing danger to everyone on board and harm to the port of call and those on the quay side.

We need leaders, those who will lead their families, businesses, churches, communities and society in general. 

So, what does a leader look like?

  1. A leader is self aware. The success story for a leader is a person who has nurtured emotional intelligence traits in their own life. The number one trait of emotional intelligence is self awareness, according to many who have written on the subject. This sets you apart by the fact that you know yourself better than others know you. You know your strengths, you know your potential, you know your weaknesses (what sets you off), you know when you are in your zone (the space where you work the best and are the most clear headed). I see many professionals who do not value or embody this trait and it breeds a sense of entitlement in these men and women. You may be very clever, highly prized for your expertise, but just hopeless at knowing yourself and therefore stunted as a leader.
  1. A leader is brave. Courage is a requirement for any leader. This is the quality of being prepared to act when others don’t or won’t. You act even though you are scared. You are scared, but you still act. Do you hear that sound? It’s my heart beating so loudly in my chest because even though I am slaying giants, I am still scared. Think of people who have pioneered lands, missions, new ventures. Think of people who have righted wrongs in society. What made them do it, when it could have been a thousand other people? They were prepared to act when others didn’t. There’s a price to pay for being brave. You may be criticised for acting a different way to everyone else, but let’s face it, no one ever changed our world by maintaining the status quo. 
  1. A leader is human. You give yourself permission to fail, to be human or to be weak at times. It’s what you do with that weakness that counts. Let it be lesson to others. Go back to those you failed and apologise. Repent, say you are sorry and make it a lesson for all involved. The reason I say this is such an important trait in a leader, is that I have seen so many leaders over 40 odd years of church leadership who practice hubris; a pompous attitude when they fail. If you are truly a leader you are a servant, as Jesus said he was. You have no rights to pride or arrogance. You only have the right to turn your failures and weaknesses into lessons for others. And what wonderful lessons they can be.

You are a leader if you have influence. Use your influence wisely. You are not perfect, but someone needs you to lead them. 

7 Ways to deal with a martyr syndrome

How you can show compassion for the hurting
www.alisonward.me

 

Martyr syndrome is a common issue amongst women.

I have seen it among church people for many years.

Martyr syndrome or victim complex can be classified as a person who uses self- sacrifice and suffering to control their environment.

They are unwilling to deal with themselves and grow in spiritual formation, and instead hide behind a mask of serving.

Martyr syndrome is self destructive, and directly opposed to biblical maturity as a Christian.

We all want to serve our families and our fellow man. We may be concerned that if we say no, we will not be helping others.

God made us as helpers.

It is part of our calling as women.

Remember that the word ‘helper’ (the Hebrew word is ezer) used in terms of Eve’s relationship with her husband in Gen 2:18, is the same word used of God as Israel’s helper in Ex 18:4, and of God as our helper in Ps 20:2 and many other scriptures.

Psalm 121: 2 declares, “My help (ezer) comes from the Lord”.

Helping others is not a lowly occupation, but one God values highly!

Yet, we must know what help to give and where to give it, in order to function effectively as Christians.

Some women are good at saying no, and stating their boundaries with family and others, but I venture to say that many women do not know how to do this.

This is particularly difficult for a person who is a server by gifting and personality.

The problem is they keep saying yes in order to please others and end up with resentment in their hearts and ‘feeling used’.

Are you frequently berating yourself and feeling sorry for yourself when you help others or when they reject your help?

Do you find yourself thinking ‘poor me, don’t they know how hard I am working’?

You may have martyr syndrome!

It is misguided to think you are the only one who can meet everyone’s needs and always be there for others. In fact, you are acting like God.

7 Ways you can change martyr misery into masterful maturity: 

  1. Decide what is important for you to take care of. What are your chief life responsibilities in God’s eyes? If you are wife and mother, those vocations are important for YOU to take care of. Is your work taking over the rest of life?
  2. Take care of your responsibilities first with joy before you agree to take on other duties.
  3. See yourself as a really valuable human being in God’s sight whether you give of yourself to a situation or not.
  4. If you say yes, do so willingly, of your own accord and resolve to have a positive attitude towards the task and the people involved.
  5. Give prayer to the issue and ask God to reveal your heart to you and enable you by grace to walk free of being a victim.
  6. Learn how to say ‘no’ graciously when you need to. Work out a strategy with a friend who knows your problem and keep to that strategy when you encounter the need to say no.
  7. Be accountable to someone who knows your difficulty and share with them your triumphs and failures, so you may grow.

Be a blessing, but do it God’s style.

In what ways have you found yourself acting like a martyr?