The 5 Crucial Steps to Forgiveness That will Change Your Life


Everyone should read a book on forgiveness by a respected Christian author. A book I do recommend is ‘Total Forgiveness’ by R.T. Kendall.

At various times in my life, God has used books I have read on forgiveness, and my heart has been challenged and I have been truly changed by each one, as I have allowed the light of God’s Word to shine into my hard heart, and penetrate the darkness in my soul.

Forgiveness is essential for a Christian to live a fruitful life unto God.

Forgiveness is not a concept, but a lifestyle.

Forgiveness is a necessary part of a healthy mind and soul.

Some years back I read of a psychotherapist who believed that up to 80% of patients in a mental institution were there because of unforgiveness and had no other cause for their mental illness.

If we don’t forgive those who have sinned against us, we risk disease in our bodies and crippling thinking in our minds, and a host of other wrong ways to think about life.

When we don’t forgive, our minds are playgrounds with carousels of hate, envy, jealousy, bitterness, resentment and all kinds of impurity. We hurt ourselves and because of a hardened heart, we start to hurt others too.

So how do we forgive?

  1. Acknowledge before God in prayer that you have not forgiven ___________for __________ (put their name and offence in there).
  2. Pray from the Lord’s prayer: “forgive us our sins as we have forgiven those who sin against us” (Matt 6: 12, NLT). This quickly reminds us that we are forgiven as we forgive.
  3. Ask God, by the Holy Spirit for grace to forgive. Wrestle with this as much and as often as you need to.
  4. Do not dwell on their sins towards you, but on your mercy towards them. Mercy says, ‘I will give you what you don’t deserve’.
  5. Do this as many times a day as you need to, and keep doing this day by day. It will be often at first and as your heart accepts and your mind renews, your thoughts will fade and your attitude will change and one day you will realise you are free.

Does it matter whether the other person knows what you have done or felt?

No, it does not, as forgiveness is your gift to yourself.

If the other person knows of the problem between you, then go to her.

What about forgiving yourself?

If you are living in regret, guilt and shame, it is time to forgive yourself. You do this before God in prayer too, and let go of the pain and the shame, knowing that all the sin you have committed is washed away, cleansed, by Christ’s blood, as you trust in Him, not in yourself for forgiveness and salvation.

Do not set yourself up as your own God, judge and jury! Leave that to God who judges all men’s hearts.

Where and how have you found help to forgive? I invite you to comment on forgiveness.

You Don’t Have to be Perfect to Find Your Voice in the World

At last! I have got my blog up and running.

It’s been a journey to get to this place. It’s been a good journey, but a distance to travel nonetheless. This is a place to write my heart out, to share with you and to serve you.

I find myself writing blogging notes on my iphone, my ipad, pieces of paper, documents on my laptop, and generally overflowing everywhere. I sometimes even sit in my dressing room at night (when I am supposed to be sleeping, and so as not to wake the man of my dreams), and think and write.

So I write to reflect, to learn, to grow, to live, to lead and to share that journey with you. I blog about leadership, coaching and women’s issues.

A Small Part of My Journey

Cancer has been, and continues to be the uninvited stranger in our home for nearly eight years now.

My husband was diagnosed with Stage 2 prostate cancer in the same week my father died and my daughter miscarried twins, conceived through in vitro fertilization.

There were times I wanted to cry out, to be left alone, to wallow in self-pity. I struggled with issues of faith and God’s sovereignty.

I have asked, what was the purpose in all of this?

Leaders Lead

In this time period, my husband and I were studying leadership from a biblical perspective and this is what I came to see:

  • That leaders grow exponentially through times of trouble and suffering
  • That leaders are in God’s crucible often, being refined and purified
  • That leaders continue to lead when they are being pressured
  • That leaders search out biblical answers to difficult questions
  • That leaders continue in the grace of God no matter what the season
  • That leaders glorify God in the whole of life
  • That God’s ultimate purpose for a leader is her own salvation

Since that time period in my life I have completed a Masters degree in leadership and coaching and continue to pursue hard after God and his will in my life.

Find your Voice

I also want to share with you that for many years did not consider myself a leader in my own right, even though:

  • I was raising children (leading their hearts and choices every day)
  • I was leading ministries in the local church (as the pastor’s wife)
  • I was leading the women’s ministry in the church
  • I was learning and growing in my leadership style
  • I was adding value to all I did through who I was

I had to come to the place of taking charge of my personal leadership development, and stop making excuses for who I am.

So while my journey is about me, it’s also about you (see 2 Cor 1:3-5). I am passionate about seeing others develop in the Lord Jesus Christ into their gifts, and reach more fully into their potential in all the phases of their lives.

What is your voice in the world, and how do you want to use it?

Leave a comment and let’s talk.